It’s not uncommon for people to look to therapy to make them “happier.” In fact, the goal of “no bad days” has been popularized in recent years, and most of the content we see online are the happiest (or seemingly happiest) moments in others’ lives. There’s a tremendous amount of messaging out there to suggest that we should be striving towards always feeling good. Not to mention, we’re literally conditioned to avoid pain, to make those around us feel better, to “fix” things – with difficult emotions often at the top of the "fix-it" list.
This is an absolute myth as far as psychology is concerned. Promising a life free from pain is impossible, unless someone has figured out how to replicate the procedure from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. In fact, at the start of my work with clients, I am careful to note that this will not be the goal of our work together. Rather, at the Center for Values-Based Living, therapy is focused on building insights and teaching skills to weather the highs and lows while you continue to move towards the life you want for yourself.
What’s Lost in the Struggle for “Happiness”
The world is a complicated place, and we lead complicated lives. There will be both great loves and great losses, major successes and major setbacks, and all of the in-betweens. Humans are very good at all sorts of things that promote self-protection, such as distraction and avoidance. One thing we’re not good at is selectively removing only the bad and keeping all the good, or choosing what we can feel. Instead, when we remove or avoid the pain, we simultaneously give up the joy.
What’s more – often, in our effort to remove the pain, we end up caught in a battle with those painful emotions. Our efforts to “win” or fight against these emotions block us from engaging with the things that bring us fulfillment in life.
Trying to avoid the painful aspects of life might make us think we have control. But in reality, those undesirable emotions are running the show. They’re making you a smaller and smaller version of yourself, and they’re making the world you engage with smaller and smaller.
Values-Based Living as a Sustainable Solution
So, let’s correct the record on “no bad days.” What would it look like to let go of the battle with painful thoughts and emotions instead? It would look a lot like values-based living.
Living in line with your values means:
Accepting that living a full life will involve pain – In service of experiencing fulfillment and joy, you commit to experiencing pain, grief, anxiety, and fear.
Knowing that you have the power to choose not to struggle against this pain – This struggle is how pain, a natural part of life, turns into suffering.
Trusting that you are strong enough to move through the pain in service of your values – The things that we have spent years avoiding can seem insurmountable and terrifying, largely because we don’t have much experience dealing with them. But with the right tools and insights, you can absolutely take back control of your life.
Making decisions based on all of the things that matter to you in life – This would be exhausting, if it’s even possible. In values work, we focus on identifying your 3-5 most important values so that you can be more successful.
If living a values-based life – warts and all – resonates with you, reach out to CVB Living to learn more.
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